When I decided that I needed to make some changes in my life I never knew what path it would lead me down. 2011 was all about changes. I left a steady {really good, great position} job, ended a 6 year relationship, spent a short time trying a new job venture then realizing it wasn't right and decided that I needed to lose at least 30 pounds by my 30th birthday.
{image via}
Many of us hide behind masks, facades, we paint pretty pictures of what our life "looks" like and never really show the hurt, pain, self loathing that we carry on the inside. I was one of those people. I am sure to some of you that read this, that statement may surprise you. How does the girl who seemingly has it all...amazing family, great friends, educated, fabulous career and on and on hate herself so much? I want to clarify...I don't hate myself, but I have hated my body for 20 years. I know I am a beautiful, intelligent, warm, loving, caring, loyal and passionate person. I put my self worth and identity in my career, relationships and whether men liked me or not. When I found myself without the things that I thought made "Mandy" I knew that I was placing my self worth in the wrong places. I had to start healing from the inside out. I have been my worst critic, biggest punisher, stress maker, and hater. I never let up on myself, pushing and pushing until I had nothing left to give.
At my lowest point I decided that the only thing I could control and change was my weight. I had been in a body that I HATED for far too long. I had faced two of the hardest things that I had been through and lived. It took saying good bye to everything I thought was important to know that I could mentally handle FINALLY dealing with my silent demon. I knew that I needed someone strong to push me, to not let me quit, to not let me run the show, that would always be honest yet be able to motivate me and make me feel good in the process. Finding Jonathon has been a life saver. In November 2011 we began my short term, six month goal to lose 30 pounds.
At my lowest point I decided that the only thing I could control and change was my weight. I had been in a body that I HATED for far too long. I had faced two of the hardest things that I had been through and lived. It took saying good bye to everything I thought was important to know that I could mentally handle FINALLY dealing with my silent demon. I knew that I needed someone strong to push me, to not let me quit, to not let me run the show, that would always be honest yet be able to motivate me and make me feel good in the process. Finding Jonathon has been a life saver. In November 2011 we began my short term, six month goal to lose 30 pounds.
At first I wanted to prove wrong...
- the little boy who first told me I was "fat" in fifth grade
- the girls who made fun of me for wearing a size 13 in 7th grade
- the guy friend who told my 10th grade boyfriend that I had such a pretty face but my body needed a lot of work
- the guy I liked that said I should never show my legs in public
- the college BF who broke up with me because he saw himself with someone who "looked more like a model"
- the HS girl that couldn't believe that the "overweight" girl had such a high position in a fashion company
- the people that looked at me as the "fat" Christiansen sister
But then I realized what I was carrying around with me. It wasn't just actual weight but emotional baggage that was weighing me down. I couldn't believe that I was holding onto all of those things from so long ago. I had double the "weight" to shed. I finally understood that the reason I could never lose the body weight before was because I wasn't ready to let go of my emotional issues. If I lost the weight than I lost my excuses. I would have to stop running and face me. We all know that dealing with the stuff inside is always harder. So for the first time, it became about me.
Now I want to prove to myself...
- that weight is just a number and that number doesn't define me
- that even when I want to quit I won't because I see results
- that sacrifice and discipline are amazing qualities to have
- that I WILL hit my goal, and the next one and the next one
- that I can be as successful in weight loss as I was in climbing the corporate ladder
- that I deserve to love myself and that I HAVE to, before I can let someone else love me
- that investing in myself makes me a better and stronger person
- THAT I AM WORTH IT
{image via}
If you don't know me personally, or haven't spoken to or been around me for years, then you don't know that I am a very open person. I am very real, a fighter, strong, intelligent and confidant in the person that I have become. I have a fashion blog, I tweet, I share a lot. So putting this out there isn't hard for me. I don't care that you all know about this struggle. This is a way for me to stay accountable. Once it is out in the blog-o-sphere I have given my word. I also believe that speaking things out makes things come true.
This weight loss/get fit journey has not been easy. I don't LOVE working out and I definitely have a hard time with the way I have to eat. I complain, I am sore all of the time and I have a lot of mental road blocks that I am pushing through (and sometimes stopping at for a brief moment) and I have to break. I hate that I feel like my entire life revolves around when and what I am eating, when I am working out and planning my schedule around it all. Quite honestly it may never be easy for me. BUT I know that I have to sacrifice to get the results that I want.
I have been BLOWN away by the support. Support from my family, my friends, my blog/twitter friends, my Facebook friends and even my ex. It is in the little things... the texts, blog comments, the "likes" on my Facebook status updates, the tweets, the emails. I had ZERO clue how many people care. It has brought tears to my eyes, more than once. I want each of you to know how much that means to me!
Thank you for supporting me as I continue on this path.
And check back for updates ;)
- the girls who made fun of me for wearing a size 13 in 7th grade
- the guy friend who told my 10th grade boyfriend that I had such a pretty face but my body needed a lot of work
- the guy I liked that said I should never show my legs in public
- the college BF who broke up with me because he saw himself with someone who "looked more like a model"
- the HS girl that couldn't believe that the "overweight" girl had such a high position in a fashion company
- the people that looked at me as the "fat" Christiansen sister
But then I realized what I was carrying around with me. It wasn't just actual weight but emotional baggage that was weighing me down. I couldn't believe that I was holding onto all of those things from so long ago. I had double the "weight" to shed. I finally understood that the reason I could never lose the body weight before was because I wasn't ready to let go of my emotional issues. If I lost the weight than I lost my excuses. I would have to stop running and face me. We all know that dealing with the stuff inside is always harder. So for the first time, it became about me.
Now I want to prove to myself...
- that weight is just a number and that number doesn't define me
- that even when I want to quit I won't because I see results
- that sacrifice and discipline are amazing qualities to have
- that I WILL hit my goal, and the next one and the next one
- that I can be as successful in weight loss as I was in climbing the corporate ladder
- that I deserve to love myself and that I HAVE to, before I can let someone else love me
- that investing in myself makes me a better and stronger person
- THAT I AM WORTH IT
If you don't know me personally, or haven't spoken to or been around me for years, then you don't know that I am a very open person. I am very real, a fighter, strong, intelligent and confidant in the person that I have become. I have a fashion blog, I tweet, I share a lot. So putting this out there isn't hard for me. I don't care that you all know about this struggle. This is a way for me to stay accountable. Once it is out in the blog-o-sphere I have given my word. I also believe that speaking things out makes things come true.
This weight loss/get fit journey has not been easy. I don't LOVE working out and I definitely have a hard time with the way I have to eat. I complain, I am sore all of the time and I have a lot of mental road blocks that I am pushing through (and sometimes stopping at for a brief moment) and I have to break. I hate that I feel like my entire life revolves around when and what I am eating, when I am working out and planning my schedule around it all. Quite honestly it may never be easy for me. BUT I know that I have to sacrifice to get the results that I want.
I have been BLOWN away by the support. Support from my family, my friends, my blog/twitter friends, my Facebook friends and even my ex. It is in the little things... the texts, blog comments, the "likes" on my Facebook status updates, the tweets, the emails. I had ZERO clue how many people care. It has brought tears to my eyes, more than once. I want each of you to know how much that means to me!
Thank you for supporting me as I continue on this path.
And check back for updates ;)
