Numbers, Scales and Fears

I just finished week twelve.

It blows my mind that I have made it to the gym and worked out five times a week for twelve weeks. It feels fantastic. It honestly is just part of the routine now. I work it in and make it to the gym even if it ends up being 10:30pm. My nightly work outs are not for everyone but they work for me. I have really tightened up my diet, eating 4-5 small meals and now cutting a lot of the "good" extra carbs to try and get past my plateau.

                                                                 Source: fit-and-happy.tumblr.com via Mandy on Pinterest

I have always had the issue of truly knowing things in my head, but getting my heart to believe them is another story. So when it comes to the number on the scale I KNOW it is just a number yet my heart sinks every time it flashes. And the past few weeks that number hasn't changed. It FREAKS me out and messes with me. I am not intimidated by much. Yet the damn scale can put me in a tailspin. My trainer is going to be sad that his constant encouragement of not focusing on the number isn't working. I think the fact that I placed a number goal to reach by my Birthday is the trigger. I feel like I HAVE to lose the thirty pounds by May 14th. I think I will be devastated if I don't. As the date gets closer the more freaked I get! 

                                                         Source: eathealthy-getfit-sleep-repeat.tumblr.com via Mandy on Pinterest

The thing that I have not shared on the blog{s} is that I have not been able to lose more than 15 pounds. Ever. Every time the plateau happens I end up quitting. Clearly this is something that I have to deal with internally because I am doing everything right physically. I don't know if I am scared to live without the weight, frightened of losing the "mask" I have hidden behind for so long, worried that I won't have my weight as an excuse or that I don't believe I am worthy/capable of being skinny. Those are some heavy thoughts and I really am going to have to work on myself to get past this road block. 

If there is one thing that I keep learning about this process it is that it is about 95% mental. I continue to learn more and more about myself every single day. I am constantly striving to be better, I am happy and I am strong. Some days are easier than others. But long after I have stopped running on the treadmill I am still "running" though things in mind. 

This is the deal... I WILL push through. I WILL hit my goals. I WILL change the bad thoughts I have about myself. I WILL prove to myself that I can do this. This is MY journey and mine alone. I am the only person I am doing this for. 

                                                                       Source: fromflabbytofit.tumblr.com via Mandy on Pinterest

Hike to the Hollywood Sign

At the end of 2011 I sat down and wrote out a Bucket/Life list. I continue to add to the list and I have been anxious to start checking things off. I have included simple, little things and big, grandiose things. I fully intend to cross every thing off of my list. One of these days I will get around to posting it here on the blog so you can see what aspirations I have. Well one thing on the list was Hiking to the Hollywood sign. I have lived just outside of LA for almost 12 years and have not taken advantage of all the cool things to do in my back yard.

A couple of weeks ago my friend, Jacqui, posted some pics of her hike to the Griffith Observatory. I told her that I wanted to do a hike with her since she was open to working out and having fun. We decided on the Hollywood sign for our hike since it was on my list.

I don't think I would have found a hike FUN if I wasn't getting into shape. This hike is somewhat strenuous and FAR. Six miles round trip. So it was quite the work out. It was such a gorgeous day and pretty clear (meaning not super smoggy). We packed up, got her son into the stroller and enjoyed the day. I love that I can do these things, enjoy them and accomplish them.

Here are some fun pics!

 We are walking all the way to the sign!

Don't be fooled, there are three different hills (mountains?) in between us and the sign.

 After hill number one! Pretty view!

 LA LA land

 Our shadows. I am on the right.

 After Hill one. Still smiling!

 So much fun!

 Downtown LA

 The path brings you right behind the sign. Such an incredible view!

 SO happy we didn't give up!

 YES! We did! WOOHOO!

 Did I mention I pushed this cutie half way? FULL. BODY. WORK OUT!

Many asked us how we found our trail! We googled "Hike to Hollywood Sign" and went to Bronson Canyon.

8 weeks

 {image via}

It is official.

I have completed 8 loonnnggg weeks of 5x a week work outs.

I am eating five small meals a day.

And I have incorporated running into my work outs.

HOLY CRAP...this is HARD.

IT is NO JOKE!

 {image via}

Each and every day I think of the support my family and friends are giving me.

It keeps me pushing through. This week alone I have had 4 different people, that I know but either haven't talked to for years or talk to very sporadically through social media outlets, email or Facebook; message me that I (ME!!) am inspiring them. They are following me through Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest or my blog. I post through those outlets to hold myself accountable. I have made the commitment and I am not a quitter. It is not convenient to go to the gym at 8:30pm after work or on Friday or Saturday when you want to be out. So I never dreamed that others would be so affected by it. It honestly brings me to tears. THANK you for your sweet messages, comments and "likes". I am grateful, inspired and hopeful. I am not just doing this for myself anymore...and that is just crazy.

The last couple of weeks have been hard. I don't think that I have ran since middle school. Light jogs, maybe. But to actually RUN, I never thought it would happen. I have hit a plateau. I am stuck at a weight and cannot move past it. My trainer told me that running is the best way to drop the pounds. I will say that it is the hardest thing that I have had to face in this whole journey. I am still, STILL, trying to get past the mental blocks of pain and not being a "runner". Every day is a little different. My shins never stop hurting. I am sure I look like Phoebe from Friends when I run (also meaning I don't think I run properly). I need running shoes and have zero dollars to buy them. All excuses that run through my head and I am trying to push through!

I have 78 days to hit my goal of 30 pounds by my 30th Birthday. I am only half way there. I am *trying* not to focus on that but I admit that it is consuming my thoughts. 

 {image via}

This is what I need from you:

- Runners: HOW should I be running? Shoe recs? Tips?

- Food: This is a lifestyle change, not a diet. My Sugar cravings do not go away and fruit does not help. How do you curb the cravings?

- Success stories: Tell me what worked for you!

 Me after seven weeks.

Getting Real, Finding Me

When I decided that I needed to make some changes in my life I never knew what path it would lead me down. 2011 was all about changes. I left a steady {really good, great position} job, ended a 6 year relationship, spent a short time trying a new job venture then realizing it wasn't right and decided that I needed to lose at least 30 pounds by my 30th birthday.

 {image via}

Many of us hide behind masks, facades, we paint pretty pictures of what our life "looks" like and never really show the hurt, pain, self loathing that we carry on the inside. I was one of those people. I am sure to some of you that read this, that statement may surprise you. How does the girl who seemingly has it all...amazing family, great friends, educated, fabulous career and on and on hate herself so much? I want to clarify...I don't hate myself, but I have hated my body for 20 years. I know I am a beautiful, intelligent, warm, loving, caring, loyal and passionate person. I put my self worth and identity in my career, relationships and whether men liked me or not. When I found myself without the things that I thought made "Mandy" I knew that I was placing my self worth in the wrong places. I had to start healing from the inside out. I have been my worst critic, biggest punisher, stress maker, and hater. I never let up on myself, pushing and pushing until I had nothing left to give. 


At my lowest point I decided that the only thing I could control and change was my weight. I had been in a body that I HATED for far too long. I had faced two of the hardest things that I had been through and lived. It took saying good bye to everything I thought was important to know that I could mentally handle FINALLY dealing with my silent demon. I knew that I needed someone strong to push me, to not let me quit, to not let me run the show, that would always be honest yet be able to motivate me and make me feel good in the process. Finding Jonathon has been a life saver. In November 2011 we began my short term, six month goal to lose 30 pounds. 

At first I wanted to prove wrong...

- the little boy who first told me I was "fat" in fifth grade
- the girls who made fun of me for wearing a size 13 in 7th grade
- the guy friend who told my 10th grade boyfriend that I had such a pretty face but my body needed a lot of work
- the guy I liked that said I should never show my legs in public
- the college BF who broke up with me because he saw himself with someone who "looked more like a model"
- the HS girl that couldn't believe that the "overweight" girl had such a high position in a fashion company
- the people that looked at me as the "fat" Christiansen sister


But then I realized what I was carrying around with me. It wasn't just actual weight but emotional baggage that was weighing me down. I couldn't believe that I was holding onto all of those things from so long ago. I had double the "weight" to shed. I finally understood that the reason I could never lose the body weight before was because I wasn't ready to let go of my emotional issues. If I lost the weight than I lost my excuses. I would have to stop running and face me. We all know that dealing with the stuff inside is always harder. So for the first time, it became about me.


Now I want to prove to myself...
- that weight is just a number and that number doesn't define me
- that even when I want to quit I won't because I see results
- that sacrifice and discipline are amazing qualities to have 
- that I WILL hit my goal, and the next one and the next one
- that I can be as successful in weight loss as I was in climbing the corporate ladder
- that I deserve to love myself and that I HAVE to, before I can let someone else love me
- that investing in myself makes me a better and stronger person
- THAT I AM WORTH IT

{image via}

If you don't know me personally, or haven't spoken to or been around me for years, then you don't know that I am a very open person. I am very real, a fighter, strong, intelligent and confidant in the person that I have become. I have a fashion blog, I tweet, I share a lot. So putting this out there isn't hard for me. I don't care that you all know about this struggle. This is a way for me to stay accountable. Once it is out in the blog-o-sphere I have given my word. I also believe that speaking things out makes things come true. 


This weight loss/get fit journey has not been easy. I don't LOVE working out and I definitely have a hard time with the way I have to eat. I complain, I am sore all of the time and I have a lot of mental road blocks that I am pushing through (and sometimes stopping at for a brief moment) and I have to break. I hate that I feel like my entire life revolves around when and what I am eating, when I am working out and planning my schedule around it all. Quite honestly it may never be easy for me. BUT I know that I have to sacrifice to get the results that I want.

I have been BLOWN away by the support. Support from my family, my friends, my blog/twitter friends, my Facebook friends and even my ex. It is in the little things... the texts, blog comments, the "likes" on my Facebook status updates, the tweets, the emails. I had ZERO clue how many people care. It has brought tears to my eyes, more than once. I want each of you to know how much that means to me!


Thank you for supporting me as I continue on this path.


And check back for updates ;)

Fun Facts

Happy Friday, Friends! This week turned out to be a little crazier than I would have liked it to be. I'm looking forward to some awesome changes and to spending some time with my family and nephew this weekend. I'll share more on Monday.

I did take some outfit pics yesterday but I didn't have a chance to upload and crop them. Therefore another day passes without a 'What I Wore' post. Instead I am going to share some fun facts with you all. I always enjoy reading them about other people.

1. I am the oldest of three girls and I am a typical, type A, bossy first born. (just ask my sisters. Ha!)

2. I started blogging three and a half years ago to keep everyone updated on my life when I moved to Seattle

3. I knew I wanted to be in Fashion since I was nine years old. I started 'designing' clothes after my Gram took me to a Fashion Show.

4. I have struggled with my weight since I was ten. I did Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig and Slim Fast diets before I was even in High School.

5. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) when I was sixteen. Explains the weight issues but I have never been able to get it under control.

6. I was a Swimmer for seven years and swam against Amanda Beard at a meet when I was 14. I lost :)

7. I cannot eat meat off of a bone. It grosses me out beyond belief.

8. Really long escalators with glass sides freak me out but I'm not afraid of heights. (I'm afraid my heel will get stuck in the grate and I will fall to my death. Crazy, yes!)

9. I 100% believed that I would be married with two kids at my current age. I'm not even close.

10. I am a pop culture freak and am fascinated by celebrities BUT when I have met or seen a celeb (that number is in the twenties) I act like I can care less. And totally freak/geek out AFTER.

Well that is it... For now. Hope you enjoyed a small insight to me. I may do this again based upon your responses :)

Have a Happy, Happy weekend!

P.S. The Giveaway ends on Sunday! Make sure and enter!
P.P.S. Have you signed up for Shoemint? I'm going to bug you until the launch ;) SIGN UP HERE!


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Dear diary

Dear Diary...

The next time I fall in love I want him to sing, "That's Beautiful to Me" and take me to Disneyland at Christmas Time. I want to be reminded that it is about the simple things. And that it should be easy.

I also want to remind myself to stop looking for things that I really don't want to know. Facebook REALLY is the devil. Too much information at the click of a mouse.

And as my life continues to change at a rapid pace never let me forget that it is God's plan. Giving it all to him really DOES make the difference. He wants me to be really happy.

Sincerely,
Mandy




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I am Thankful {18}

there are NO girls who happen to be luckier than my sisters and I in the DAD department.

No one!

And TODAY is his BIRTHDAY!!

I am thankful for YOU, papa

Dear Daddy,

Not a day can go by without THANKING you for how much you have taught me, for sharing your infinite wisdom, for your listening and guidance, for showing us what a husband should do for his wife and for being the BEST Dad we could have asked for.

You scarificed so much to make US happy.

Your selflessness is like no other.

THANK YOU for being you!

Hope you have an amazing Birthday!

I love you,

Mandy



Pretty Please?

Please?

Can I MARRY him?

{image via justjared.com}

He is just so hot.

And he seems so nice.

Supposedly he likes the "girl next door" type.

That's totally me, right?!?



Movies

I love movies (and music).

I love anything that I can relate to in some way, find a way to feel good and just get lost in!

When I read last year that Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway were doing a movie together I leaped with joy.I think that they are both amazingly talented and gorgeous.

Their movie, Love and Other Drugs, comes out on November 24th.

I will be seeing it.

That day.

Enjoy the trailer...

I am Thankful {16}

I LOVE food.

All kinds of food.

I am THANKFUL that I have never had to go a day without.

That I have a job that provides.

And that I have gotten to experience so much!

My favorites:

Mac and Cheese from Woodranch and Sauce

French Onion soup and Sweet Potato from Claim Jumper

Chicken Tawook from Open Sesame

Sushi from most places

Shanna's/Sarah's/My "Taco Salad"

My Turkey Meatloaf

And MOM's home cooked Thanksgiving dinner